i think a lot while i’m doing the dishes. or driving the car. sometimes i’m asking myself questions. sometimes i’m asking the universe. sometimes i’m daydreaming; living a slightly altered life. sometimes my inner landscape is so deep and textured i fade from the present. my brother used to get infuriated with me. i remember this occurring especially in the kitchen. i can see us standing by the utensil drawer. him yelling at me, totally frustrated because i hadn’t answered him. and me briefly breaking free from my inner world looking at him saying: “i didn’t hear you.” my family gave me a nick name: tilly. tilly was short and sharp and broke through to me faster.
sometimes the sun will do this. or a flower. this morning it was the ice on my windshield, and the sound of me scraping it away. sometimes it’s a pain in my tooth. or my children squabbling. often it’s the birds flying in groupings dark against a blue sky. sometimes it is the way he moves his hands. fingers scratching palms. there are many things that pull me back. here.
or maybe the border is not where i think it is. maybe it is all here. maybe this is all inside. and nothing is pulling me anywhere. is it all beauty at my feet? is daydreaming, story making just as real as watching the birds fly? or am i dancing between worlds?
what questions do i pose? what will i call out into my depths? what words will i scribble on paper? what parts will i tell you/me? what parts will remain hidden? i’m wondering how shifting my questions might alter my experience. i think i’m looking for an answer. but i don’t yet know the question!
is the question a lens or a light? will it help me see more clearly, or feel more cleanly to what am i being present? to whom? to my inner imaginings. to the people and places at my side. to what is behind. to what is in front. can i open so wide that it is all presence?
i like kissing even more than daydreaming. it is so dreamy. so you and me. so inside and outside. like hugging. this morning while kissing matthew i felt in all places at once in the most ease filled way. and with the sweetness of lips i have no questions. i need no answers. i simply am: sensual and feeling. and totally connected.
i will continue to question. and daydream. and kiss. and feel my way into all this now.