my little drill bit

today is the kind of day when even my dirty windows are beautiful.  when i don’t mind the “ugly” white siding at the back of my house.  it is the kind of day where the sun shines out my ass.  and i love it.

the magic was really clear to me this morning as i finished drinking my vegetable juice.  the tiny green foam bubbles at the bottom of my cup where stunning.  i noticed the curve of my  glass.  i was fascinated by the shape of the bubbles.  and thrilled by their slow movement.  all things i could notice every day.  but don’t.

today i have been blessed with an incredible workout with my personal trainer taylor.  the workout was hard, but i enjoyed it.  and i felt strong.  and capable.  often when i work out (or do anything really) i feel inadequate.  as if i’m not good enough no matter what i’m doing.  maybe it is the sun today, or the way i slept last night,  matthew’s love, or maybe it is this precious time alone that has shifted something.  and the result of this shift is (at least for now) an ability see the strength that is always here.  the beauty that is always here.  the beauty in me and in my cup.

which leads me to the drill bit.

i took the girls to a sugar shack on monday.  every year we have been tapping my neighbour’s maple tree and drinking the sap.  the sap is delicious, but the tapping of the tree, and the daily collection is what is most magical.  this year because the weather has been so wildly warm i wasn’t sure when to begin.  and thought maybe i wouldn’t.  but i was inspired by the sweet people at montsberg and decided to give it a go.  so the only thing that was holding me back was a drill.  i didn’t have one.  someone else has always drilled the hole for me.  and i liked it that way.  but today i decided to do it myself.  and i decided i didn’t even want to borrow a drill.  i wanted my own.  so after the most incredible massage (it seriously has been that kind of day) i went to the store for a drill.  i asked for help.  and came out with a small lovely drill and two drill bits.  i couldn’t have been happier.

i used to be scared of drills.  mark, the father of my children, used to tease me with his.  he would point it in my direction and press the trigger.  he was the handy one.  he built the deck, the garden boxes, put in the new door.  he could build a house (and has) from the ground up.  i love that.  and i was happy to let him do ALL the drilling and hammering.  i would stay FAR away from drills and saws.  FAR.  but strangely i had no trouble putting in the drill bit today. and no trouble pulling the “trigger”.  i was confident, perhaps more i have ever been.  and i wasn’t even worried when i messed up the first hole.  and not the bit concerned that i had the spile going the wrong way.  i just made another hole.  laughed.  and turned the spile around.

there are no pictures of me drilling.  because there was only me and the tree and the occasional person walking by.  so you’ll have to picture me there.  one foot forward pushing my weight into the drill.  my face surely serious.  pushing.  is that far enough?  pushing.  the whirring, the vibrating, the wondering.  the drilling.  and the drilling a little more.

the job isn’t finished yet.  i need to go back to merirose’s with the drill and a hammer.  i checked and the sap isn’t going though the spile.  it’s dripping down the tree.  so i’m going to drill a little deeper.  and tap it in with a hammer.

and that is ok with me.  the sun is still shining.   and i’m not worried about the results.  today is the kind of day where i’m truly happy with the process.  and that is wonderously divine.  and precious.  because i know that i am just enough.  and that is truly fine.