much of the time, i admit, i think i know.  i think i know what my day will be like.  i know the schedule.  the getting up and making lunches.  the making green juice.  the kids going to school.  me teaching yoga.  and it often goes like that.  i think because the routine often proceeds as planned i forget that i don’t know.  i forget something big might happen.  or something small.  it surprises me how life is so wildly unpredictable and seemingly simultaneously constant.  life to me is at once magnificent, mysterious, gorgeous; awkward, painful and horribly ugly.

i’m thinking about all this knowing and not knowing because saturday i’m leaving on an airplane.  and because for the past few days everyone around here has been talking about the storm sandy.  today i’ve been roughing out a schedule for our trip.  you see i’m taking a few people with me.  two people to be exact.  and they will have me as their personal raw food chef, tour guide, and yoga teacher for the week.  for months now i have been planning.  gathering recipes.  imagining adventures.  and today i began to pencil in our days.  a paper for each day.  home days where we stay closer to our beach apartments and adventure days where we explore the island of barbados.  i’m happy to write out our days like this with possible menu options and possible outings.  but it started to feel silly.  because i have no clue what is actually going to happen.  and then i wondered if i don’t know what we are going to do why should i dedicate this time  planning?  i think this is why i’m so nervous.  i can feel the high vibration in my arms and chest as i type.  i feel very alive.  very aware.  but not calm.

i imagine this is how i will feel driving the rental car on the “other” side of the road.  i will feel very aware.  today while driving i tried to imagine myself on the other side of the road.  i  figuratively put myself in the lane of oncoming traffic.  i didn’t like the feeling!

this feeling: this nervousness, this excitement, reminds me of writing tests.  or delivering babies!  all this preparation gets packed up.  i close the books.  stack all the papers with scribbled notes.  and i go.  i pack a bag and go.  dive into not knowing.

this must feel like a test (like old high school or university exams) because of all the expectation i have put on myself.  because i am bringing others with me and i feel the need to perform, to please.  and i want them to have a good time.  but maybe i can’t control that.  maybe people offering retreats don’t normally say that kind of thing.  or even admit to having “only” two participants!  maybe that isn’t the best sales pitch!  but i believe this to be true.  and honest.  i can plan and hope and dream.  and then i must let it all that go.  maybe i will let experience be the driver.  and see how that feels.  i’m guessing it might feel like driving on the other side of the road:  awkward and exhilarating.

next week three lovely woman will travel together for the first time.  and when i return i will let you know (my version) or what happened.