with a fist full of seeds

i’m crying after a movie again.  my nose is all stuffy.  the only light now is from this screen.  i can see the soft light against my curled fingers.  ready to tell you that i want what my parents have.  a long marriage.  maybe if what i read in How Yoga Works is true then i have not yet planted the seeds for that.  or those seeds have not yet ripened.

my parents are in their mid sixties.  it feels strange to say that.  but i am thirty-seven.   i am divorced; and they are not.  maybe i “should” have fought at the beginning of my marriage or gone to marriage counseling like them instead blissing out over my perfect husband.  tonight i watch my parents from a place of longing.  a longing for a love that will hold.  for a love that will stay.  for a love that will grow more tender with age.  for a love i sometimes see in movies.  and maybe more than anything for a love that my children can watch.  perhaps i am blessed to have watched my parents fighting and loving.  i am blessed.  no need for perhaps.  it is a gift to watch them grow old together.  i can remember listening to my father yell and my mother cry.  they thought i was sleeping.  i was maybe 11.  and i prayed and prayed.  stay together.  stay together.  stay.  together.  i take zero credit for their staying because i prayed with equal or greater zest for my mother’s headaches to go away and for big boobs for myself and neither has happened.

it is reassuring to tell you all this.  i still miss my husband.  i just don’t usually let myself.  and i’m not totally sure how to let him go.  cause i’m a little addicted to forever.

the corpse pose has often been hard for me yet i can suntan all day.  i can let go in the sun.  the heat becomes so strong it leaves no room for thought.  just a beautiful all over heat.  and when the heat gets too much i dive into the water.  my mind calms right down.  smooths itself out.  but on the mat in the corpse pose i am not so relaxed.  when i’m sun tanning i’m really doing nothing.  but when i’m doing the corpse pose i’m still trying too hard.

near the end of barney’s version i closed my eyes and prayed my new prayer.  may everyone everywhere experience love.  i cried and cried.  the sobbing kind of overly dramatic watching a sad movie cry.  the movie continued moving.  and i kept my eyes closed.  don’t leave anyone out.  no one.  may everyone and everything know the love that lasts.  totally know it.  this is a good seed to plant.

last week i finished How Yoga Works by Geishe Michael Roach and Lama Chritie McNally.  i was crying and crying at the end of that too.  but not in despair or desperation.   it wasn’t quite joy.  it was inspired.  and hopeful.

may we all plant abundant seeds that bloom into life giving long lasting bliss out LOVE.


14 thoughts on “with a fist full of seeds

  1. beautiful! you are a wonderful writer and a brave soul-bearer … can’t wait to be blessed with more of your generous heart! and thanks for sowing those seeds 🙂

    1. “beautiful! you are a wonderful writer and a brave soul-bearer …”
      So, true Tara. Thank you for writing in a putting into words what my heart was saying.

  2. Giving love is the best place to be in – when Im in that mode – everyone is my lover- thanks for the reminder of my own need to love deeply…becoming clear takes time… so lets be patient with our journey,, good job bella,

  3. Thank you for sending out the love – I can feel it. I got my second chance and am now in blissful love that is real and everlasting – I believe you will find it too. I will pray to the universe for you too and what is meant to be will be.

  4. I second your hope for all to find love, and cry with you for this life of uncertainty. One solace that I hold on to (for good or bad) is that every love I’ve known was true – if it wasn’t, then I wasn’t.

  5. Beautifully vulnerable. “love is alive when it is sustained by selflessness & contentment.” Swami Rama – “happiness is your creation”

  6. The honesty in your piece reflects your humanity. The openness of your piece reflects your courage. In the now I hope we all can be as brave as you and continue to share our hearts, minds and the lessons we are learning from love.
    I found the women of my dreams 23 years ago our relationship has always been intense, passionate and full of drama. Our relationship has survived many things infidelities on both sides, loss of children you name it the years have been full of experiences based in love. We married 13 years ago, we have 3 children together, built a home together, with the help of this community, and now we are separated again. I thought I had learned something from our past separations and suggested that in this current separation that we seek to find away to continue to be lovers. Being lovers for 23 years you learn a lot about the energy that lovers can create, a gateway to the tantric. Anyway the answer was no and I was blown away and overcome with the emotions surrounding the fear of loss and loss itself, “What our love conquers all things we always make to through. We are only alive to this day because of our love, real love is forever.” My partners response humbled me like nothing else in my life. She said,” I don’t have to be your lover or your wife to love you and I always will.” In that moment I realized that this woman is a Goddess teaching me the greatest lessons and she has. Since I was 20 years old she has been teaching me about love, relationships and power dynamics.
    A year and half later and I am still blown away and forever changed by the awareness that I was living a lie about love. I had forgotten my early training. I was told it was a key. I was also taught that love itself will lead you astray especially if you seek understanding and knowledge towards wisdom without emotional intelligence.
    Selflessness and contentment, yes, I was taught this. Universal love is the open hand content with our comings and goings always there, the foundation, the cup that is always running over no matter what always giving and receiving. This is the love that last forever, it is what remains after the emotions have run there course and a change in thinking begins, change a universal constant .
    The beauty of your piece is that it shows that you have already found what we all seek. This internal respect for self, this energy that picks ones self up and says get a hold of yourself. I am right here. “Don’t you love me?” You look in the mirror and smile with tears in your eyes and say, “I love everything that has to do with love.” And in that moment realize that our thinking has created the emotions of love and these emotions are the fuel the drives the revolution. All true revolutionaries will tell you that love is the most important thing. Those of us that have loved and been loved have much to teach. We must continue to share love and not be held back because of past experiences, if we do this then we have not learned the lessons well.
    Everything we need is within us, it is our job to bring it out and shine bright. This is no easy task as we dismantle our external physical constructs of love, however, the seeds have already been planted and have been growing within us for centuries. You are love, I am love, all that is alive is love.
    We, the humans have created something that is less than, it is our job to make it greater than so that love is the experience of existence. No parts get left out because we are not divided, there is only the whole.

    One Love

    1. Some of these provisional but deeply won insights are constant invitations / initiations to go deeper. What is helping me – while I’m in relationship – is seeing the universal Goddess – the sinner and saint – the many archetypes in the other – and supporting that person’s commitments to themselves – fiercely sometime. What else is helping is that more and more I feel a knowing that the beloved is within me – that I must build this relationship as much when I’m with someone – as when I am creatively alone.
      Perhaps it’s allowing me to journey together without there needing to be “my” beloved – and perhaps there’s some much needed freedom (both offered and received) there?
      Thanks for encouraging this courageous conversation. A great place to start the day from.

  7. I can also relate to that as a strong thread in my own story and watching my parents going through a pattern that I didn’t want to repeat – but when you reject something – that young – I later discovered – you don’t know what also sneaks in there and gets rejected too ;-). It might be something precious.

    Love Geshe Michael Roach. Have you read the Diamond Cutter – no greater book to full integrity that I can imagine.
    Love to all of you and all of you – Mark

  8. I’ve re-read this now that I’m more present and clear and it resonates for me … not sure how to put it into words, but why wouldn’t love continue?
    The only mistake in life is not living and learning through it – about ourselves, those close to us, the trees, the plants the animals, the seasons …
    Each of our paths are so different, as are each parts of our life. I wonder if this is an aspect of past lives. It seems like it to me looking back on different eras in my 48 years.
    I’m just beginning to really live my own life and it doesn’t look one bit like anyone else’s!
    Not sure if this is coming across but I’m looking forward to reading from more recent posts.
    I love how eloquently you express yourself in words – and pictures.

  9. I want to add that grief, if you want to call it that, is also a journey with twists and turns as unique to each loss as it is to each person.
    That has been a significant part of my journey. I’m learning how to Live that too.
    Learning to be tender with my woundedness when the depth of the pain catches me by surprise. Still.
    It’s okay to have the pain, as it is to have the joy. It’s all part of the fabric …
    Without pain we’re either numb – or injured without know the damage we cause to ourselves like when an injury leaves us without the feeling to know that we’re touching a hot element.
    Listening to intuition is like that. I had to recover mine; it’s been a lifesaver.

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