i’m crying after a movie again. my nose is all stuffy. the only light now is from this screen. i can see the soft light against my curled fingers. ready to tell you that i want what my parents have. a long marriage. maybe if what i read in How Yoga Works is true then i have not yet planted the seeds for that. or those seeds have not yet ripened.
my parents are in their mid sixties. it feels strange to say that. but i am thirty-seven. i am divorced; and they are not. maybe i “should” have fought at the beginning of my marriage or gone to marriage counseling like them instead blissing out over my perfect husband. tonight i watch my parents from a place of longing. a longing for a love that will hold. for a love that will stay. for a love that will grow more tender with age. for a love i sometimes see in movies. and maybe more than anything for a love that my children can watch. perhaps i am blessed to have watched my parents fighting and loving. i am blessed. no need for perhaps. it is a gift to watch them grow old together. i can remember listening to my father yell and my mother cry. they thought i was sleeping. i was maybe 11. and i prayed and prayed. stay together. stay together. stay. together. i take zero credit for their staying because i prayed with equal or greater zest for my mother’s headaches to go away and for big boobs for myself and neither has happened.
it is reassuring to tell you all this. i still miss my husband. i just don’t usually let myself. and i’m not totally sure how to let him go. cause i’m a little addicted to forever.
the corpse pose has often been hard for me yet i can suntan all day. i can let go in the sun. the heat becomes so strong it leaves no room for thought. just a beautiful all over heat. and when the heat gets too much i dive into the water. my mind calms right down. smooths itself out. but on the mat in the corpse pose i am not so relaxed. when i’m sun tanning i’m really doing nothing. but when i’m doing the corpse pose i’m still trying too hard.
near the end of barney’s version i closed my eyes and prayed my new prayer. may everyone everywhere experience love. i cried and cried. the sobbing kind of overly dramatic watching a sad movie cry. the movie continued moving. and i kept my eyes closed. don’t leave anyone out. no one. may everyone and everything know the love that lasts. totally know it. this is a good seed to plant.
last week i finished How Yoga Works by Geishe Michael Roach and Lama Chritie McNally. i was crying and crying at the end of that too. but not in despair or desperation. it wasn’t quite joy. it was inspired. and hopeful.