begin. and begin again.

i have been waiting for months now to begin this kind of sharing.  to put words here.  i’ve been avoiding it like i avoid taking out the compost or changing a light bulb.

last night i finally took out the compost.  i had put my two girls to bed.  it was dark and cold.  the dishes were done.  the stainless steel compost bucket was full (and honestly mold was growing in there).  i told myself it would only take a few minutes.  so i put on my boots and a hat.  no jacket.  i walked out the back door into the slap of ontario winter cold.  it was refreshing.  a wild wake up.  the stars were gorgeous.  the cold seemed to quiet everything except for the sound of snow under my steps.  i walked into the backyard between two snow angels.  i was surprised because i didn’t know they were there:  two beautiful indentations.  i didn’t know my daughters had formed them.  and i was overwhelmed by grace.  grace and gratitude.  in the starry night i was standing in the cold cold between two joyful snow angels.  and i laughed at how sometimes the things i avoid give me such sweet surprise and delight.

for years i have avoided really being with myself.   i have been married and divorced.  heartbroken.  and heart broken.  i can barely remember a time (i’m talking young young) when i have not been pining for some boy (or occasionally girl); some man or woman.

this last year i have been begging the divine (again) for my life partner.  writing lists.  looking at everyone who walks by.  staring into cars.  “are you the one?” and when i learned that perhaps choosing what i want instead of simply wanting what i want might land me the man… i asked for help in choosing.  i asked god.  help me.

god help me.  seriously.  i don’t know how to do this by myself.

and somehow through a series of beautiful and painful events i land on the island of barbados for a holiday of my choosing.  i plan the whole thing myself.  i took myself on a weeklong date.  and i didn’t even know that that was what i was doing until someone told me. but it was a date.  and it was the best date of my life.  i went to be by myself.  to be me.  not a mama.  not a yoga teacher.  not a raw foodie.  not even a woman from canada.  just she by the sea.

i fell in love with she.

and for the first time since i can remember i don’t need anyone to be mine.  i asked the ocean, the salty salty sea, to pull from me what i did not need.  and i think it worked.  i feel free.  the desperation is not present.

maybe i have been waiting all my life to share with myself this way.  much longer than waiting to blog or waiting to write a novel or waiting for my lover.

there are so many ways to be lovely.  so many ways to love ourselves.  taking out the compost or flying to and island are equally magical.  giving to ourselves.  giving to one another.

so i begin.  a new way of being with me.

 

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10 thoughts on “begin. and begin again.

  1. congrats!! that’s a big shift Chantalle, and you won’t look back … i only hope you have long enough to be with you (so that you don’t ‘miss’ it) because i suspect now you will attract men (and women!) like crazy!! 😉
    thanks for sharing, with us
    xo

  2. hey beautiful girl
    glad to see and hear that you had a great time!! you are inspiring me to take the steps of life a little slower, to pay attention to the wonderful details. there are so many details. thank you for sharing your blog. love you!

  3. oooooooooooh. hard not to read this and smile. hard not to read this a feel hope for one’s self. thanks for taking so many risks in this ‘one precious life,’ then for telling us about them so we can feel brave for ourselves.

  4. Great blog. Oh, how you use words … she by the sea
    and … two beautiful indentations …
    It’s funny that I’d let you know about another blog and you were already working on your own.
    I like how your honest, open and discovering approach is sooo you!
    Good of you to share with us, and reading others’ comments is just like raw, yummy icing!
    It keeps me going on those tasks that I put off – big and small – that often aren’t so bad after all. Occasionally, illuminating.
    Nice visuals, too. They inspire the beach person in me.
    I’ll remember the snow angels and the fresh clear night.
    How often do we experience these things – really experience them?
    Here’s to being where we are instead of fretting where we’re going or anything else that keeps us from fulfillment and being free.

  5. that was awesome to read….I was wishing it would just keep going.
    Sweet words, lovely visions.
    All you,
    so sweet and lovely.

    How fun is this eh!?!?

    life.

    ahhh.

  6. Wow! Thank you Chantalle for the reminder to ‘let go’ the unnecessary and embrace ourselves…to ‘re-frame perception’ (that was my mantra following my divorce) and recognize the life-short/adventure-long partner-lover-friend within ourselves…she is all too easily forgotten or sometimes just misplaced;)

  7. Chantalle – you are so brave to be so open! Thank you for sharing all of you with all of us and being such an inspiration. I am so grateful to have you in my life with your beautiful words, beautiful body, beautiful teachings, beautiful love! Thank you for being you!

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