if it isn’t the moon…

beside me is an empty banana peel, a half eaten bar of raw chocolate, a few pens, and lists.   sometimes i think these lists are waking me up at night wanting to talk shop. you know, like: “when the fuck are you going to paint the front porch and oh my god your basement and hallway closet are in appalling condition and…”  i’m sure you know the drill.  you have your own lists.  and i’m sure they must talk to you in their own way.

i have been waking consistently at three or four in the morning for months now.  maybe years…i’m losing track of time.  last night it was just shy of two am.  i like the idea of blaming the moon.  it is so full and round and bright and shines right onto my pillow case.  right onto my sweet face.  i wake and i can’t fall easily back to sleep. sometimes i can’t fall back to sleep at all.

maybe it is the unwritten (unspoken) that is waking me up.  calling to me.  crying.

be, my plant spirit medicine practitioner, wonders if it is my grief.  i am working through a lot of grief these days.  these years.  like a baby, she postulates, my grief wakes me in the middle of the night and wants to be soothed.  but i do not know how to sooth her. in the middle of the night i do not even realize that she/me is sad or crying.  i have asked the linden tree that lives just outside my bedroom window for help.  this might sound crazy to you.  but i do beseech the trees.  and this last week i have also been beseeching my ancestors.  so far i haven’t understood the answers.

yesterday (or was it the day before) i broke down crying in the grocery store.  a sweet friend i hadn’t seen in a while asked me how i was doing.  i told her lots of things.  i gave her a list really.  i said this.  and this.  and this.  i was tired.  and so i also said this. and this and this. then she pointed to my heart.  and told me it was broken.  that all my stories over the years were telling her the same thing.  my sweet heart.  i cried and cried and cried.  right there in the grocery store near the chocolate isle.

maybe i can’t blame the moon.  or the unpainted porch.  or my ex-husband for leaving me.

or maybe i can.

but i’m not going to stop there.  i am going to ask for more help.

what i would like is for my grandmothers and my grandfathers to find some thread.  i would like my great great grandmothers and great great great grandfathers to find a needle.  aunts and uncles can join in too.  i can see all their fingers.  some thick and dirty from their work in the garden. some a little stiff.  i would like them to help me now. together they can work their magic. and begin to stitch, in their otherwordly time,  this heart of mine.  this heart of ours.  maybe they’ll do it while i sleep.  or maybe as i stir and wrestle with the edges of my grief.

because this heart of mine beats on in my daughters.   i would like them to see their mother’s heart whole.  most of their life they have known their mother to have a broken heart.  even if this has remained unspoken.  i long for deep restful sleep and that my heart is free and full and light.

heart is what this whole blog has always been about.  all these years.  moving from my heart!  broken or not.

a few months ago my daughters, now both with ipads, began reading my blog.  it was really wild and weird for me.  they noted that i prayed in my blog posts.  that was weird for them because they don’t see me as spiritual or religious in “real” life.  i am not christian.  or a buddhist.  but i do pray.  and i am spiritual.  they also pointed out things they thought were funny.  and they both enjoyed seeing themselves depicted in my words and images.  and they wanted more!

this post is an acknowledgment of deep hurt that sometimes stays for a long time.  and this post is also a prayer to the trees and to my ancestors that i may continue to heal in just the perfect ways.  for myself, for my children, and all of us.


because a broken heart can still have a tan and wear sunglasses!!!!

begin. again. and again.

oh boy.

oh boy.  oh boy.

twelve months have almost passed since i last wrote.

twelve months.

these past months i have done many things other than write.  many things.  lots of dishes.  laundry.  vacuuming.  (what a weird word that is.)  i have done lots of crying and lots of healing.  thanks to plant spirit medicine i have shed some of what i do not need.  i have experienced lots of loving.  i have watched my children continue to grow.  boom.  my oldest daughter has bigger feet than me.  boom.  both my children are in school all day.

i have experienced a lot of kissing these last twelve months.   more kissing than vacuuming.  which means there was a lot a lot of kissing going on (cause i really like vacuuming).  lots of exquisite kissing.  i have thought that maybe i should just post two pairs of lips touching so you would know where i was.  but really that wouldn’t have done justice to the complexity of my  year (or my days).  you might think it was all roses.  or dahlias.  or cosmos.  or green juice.  or striped yoga pants.  or you might think that i was only having the most incredible orgasms i have ever had.  (i think i will write a whole post about that soon!)  you might even think my year was spent lying on a beach in a bikini.  but that just wouldn’t be true.

this year has been about beginning again.  which is another way of saying that i have been learning to trust.  i have been letting a man love me.  sometimes this has been so easy and sometimes it has been so damn hard.  i have been letting myself really love him.  this too has been both sweet and simple and excruciating.  beginning again is another way of saying that i’m teaching my heart to become un-broken.  or maybe i’m not the teacher here.  perhaps the plant spirits, my children, and my new partner are my great teachers.

perhaps i am “writing” a new story.  my love story.  and maybe i don’t need to write it alone.  maybe i’m learning that we write together.  or as my partner might say:  “what are we going to dream into being?”  what are we going to co-create?

i’m not sure what has stopped me from writing here.  if i have time to scroll facebook….. i have time to write.

i decided to begin again.  right now.  i am grateful that i can.

can you almost see me press the publish button?  just after you watch me spell check!

and after i find that photo i wanted to show you!

P1020035love and new beginnings chantalle xo


deep in water

P1000494it takes me a long time to dive into water.  or jump in.  or even walk in really.  especially in georgian baie. (and i’m talking the warm side of georgian baie.)  ask my children.  it drives them nuts!  i don’t know if i’ve always been this way.  i can’t remember.  but i do love water.  and i love swimming.   it just takes me a long long time to leave earth for water.  or maybe it’s more that it takes me a long time to sacrifice dry for wet!

i stand looking, feeling the sun against my skin, and hesitate.  i love the feeling of sun on my skin.  i have no problem resting quietly, for hours if anyone would let me, with the sun licking at me.  it doesn’t take me long to flick my towel out and lay down on the dock.  but do i really want to get wet?  really wet?  now?


when i finally dive.  or jump.  it’s heaven!  and i ask myself what took me so long?  the water near honey harbour is so silky.  so so soft.  and my mom’s pool is pretty awesome too.  i guess it is just the way it is with me sometimes.  it takes me a long long to leave.  it takes me a long long to change.

P1000423but in the end.  i usually jump.

and i’m happy for it!  look at those blissed out eyes!


garden love


this is such an incredible time of year for me.  the days are full of warmth and light.  i can walk bare feet.  and my garden offers up delicious bounty.  right now the raspberries are ripening.  and this morning i ate a big bowl for breakfast.  i added fun furry blue borage flowers.  such a great combination!  and so much fun to eat blue.  (and i don’t mean dyed crap.)

i am also juicing up so much wonder from my yard.  wild and cultivated greens go into my morning juice these days.  nettle, plantain, wood sorrel, lambs’ quarters, orach, dandelion, parsley, cilantro, dill, lettuces, kale, sun flower sprouts, cukes and celery.  isn’t that a great list.? what powerful medicine!  you can find many of these greens just growing in the cracks.  leave room for them!  they’ll happily grow in your lawn.


what fun awesomeness is growing in your garden these days?   what do you enjoy foraging?  the girls and i enjoy walking to the mulberry tree not far from our house.  so many people in the neighbourhood come and gather berries.  but there are seems to be enough handfuls for everyone.

happy summer feet to all of you near and far!  may your heart be full of colourful edible flowers!

love chantalle


a little blog game i play sometimes…

sometimes i play this game.  a blog game.   it is the “random” way i find you.  it has been my way of stepping a little bit into this blog world.   maybe you play this game too?

it’s wild.  some of you have soooooooooooooooooooo many likes after your posts.  this used to make me jealous.  to be honest i started playing this game so more people would like my posts.  and it has started happening.  a bit.  there are a few people pushing the like button.

i thought i would play this game here.  so you could play along.  i start with one blog.  i read some posts.  and then i find the little pictures of the folks who have liked a particular post.  and i choose one at random.  sometimes the person has a blog.  sometimes they don’t.  if they have a blog i read some of their posts.  and again find the folks who liked it.  and choose a random picture.  if the person doesn’t have a blog.  i go back and find someone who does.  i do this until i get tired.  along the way i like posts.  adding my photo to the line.

so here goes.  i’m starting with someone who has liked my blog recently.


the chocolate brownies look awesome.  awesome!  from bridgitte’s blog i find:


i am still checking out chocolate.  this time chocolate cake!  and then i find:


and the first thing i see is a raw chocolate recipe.  this is crazy.  totally “random”.  the photos are gorgeous.  and then i find:


let’s see if he has anything about chocolate?  there must be.  but the first post i see is about farmer’s markets.  and the photos are beyond incredible.  i am really having fun now.  on to the next blog.  who else liked this?  jackie sowrey.  but i don’t see their blog.  so back i go to:


i love chocolate and farmer’s markets (i just recently stopped having a booth at one here in guelph) and i love horses.  and what do i find on this blog.  horses.  too bad my girls are away.  they would love looking at these photos!  the girls and i are a bit obsessed with horses these days.  they take lessons.  and i’m looking for someone to teach my western riding in exchange for private yoga classes.  i will read them about the wild mustangs in nevada when they return tomorrow.  from here i find humanity777 but i don’t see a blog link.  so i go back…


i cannot read this language.  i’m not sure what language it is.  something about natural medicine.  can anyone translate for me?  from here i find:


woah.  super sensual photos of flowers.  just stunning.  and then i’ll do one or two more….sometimes i find it hard to stop!


i can read a little spanish.  so this is fun.  and a challenge!

i wonder how to let people know i link to their blog?  any ideas?

i hope you enjoyed my game.  i hope it brings you some delight!

much love from guelph, ontario, canada!